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3rd Episode: Diversity
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I apologize for formatting. I'll fix later when I have the time]
[SITCOM]
INT. McDANIEL’S. MORNING CREW is sitting around for a meeting.
MICKEY
Well, as you all well know, we have a diversity quota to meet. Being as it is we are in a small Podunk town, it is difficult to find that diversity. However, I am pleased to announce that I have found the perfect employee to help us meet that quota. (stands) Now, don’t stare. Just act normal.
BRANDY
We’re not stupid.
MICKEY goes off camera into another part of the restaurant, we hear a door open.
MICKEY
Okay, you can come in now, Clarissa.
MICKEY comes back over to where the staff is sitting. We see him standing looking off to another part of the restaurant.
MICKEY
Come on over and meet the morning crew.
LONG AWKWARD PAUSE.
MICKEY
They’re just right around this little wall, Clarissa. That’s a girl.
AWKWARD PAUSE.
CLARISSA comes around the corner; she is in an electrical wheelchair she controls with a small joystick. She speaks through an electrical voice box on her throat.
MICKEY
Everyone meet, Clarissa.
CLARISSA
Hello, I am Clarissa.
WIDE-SHOT of MORNING CREW, THEY ALL STARE. CUT.
OPENING CREDITS.
EXT. McDANIEL’S, DAYTIME.
CLARISSA VO
Two Cokes, water and one sweetened ice tea. No lemon.
INT. WAITRESS STATION. BRANDY is looking at CLARISSA who has a tray fixed to her wheelchair.
BRANDY
No, I can’t help you. I have my own tables to wait on.
CLARISSA
Two Cokes, water and one sweetened ice tea. No lemon.
BRANDY
I can’t.
CLARISSA
Please.
BRANDY
No.
BRANDY walks off with some drinks for a table.
CLARISSA
Skank.
INT. MICKEY’S OFFICE. NATALIE is speaking with MICKEY.
NATALIE
It’s so wrong. She can’t do anything except drive that stupid wheelchair and she’s even slow at that.
MICKEY
Gotta meet my quota, Natalie.
NATALIE
Fine, I know, but hire someone that can actually do something.
MICKEY
Aren’t you sounding a little prejudice, Natalie?
NATALIE
No, it’s not that. It’s just that you run a business; you can’t be hiring people that don’t do the work.
MICKEY
What do you care anyway? You’re a driver.
FLASH.
INT. DISHWASHING AREA. NATALIE has piles of dishes and is washing dishes like crazy. ENTER CLARISSA with a stack of dishes on her mounted tray, when she stops near the sinks all the dishes slide off and crash on the ground near NATALIE’S feet with the exception of one plate.
CLARISSA
I have dishes.
NATALIE
Yep.
CLARISSA
Take it.
NATALIE
What?
CLARISSA
Take the plate.
NATALIE reluctantly removes the plate.
CLARISSA turns and starts driving away; NATALIE leans over and starts picking up the mess.
CLARISSA
Dumb blonde.
NATALIE
I can hear you, you can’t whisper, ya know?
CLARISSA
Bite me.
FLASH.
INT. MICKEY’S OFFICE.
NATALIE
I have my reasons. Besides, all the other waiters and waitresses are having to pick up her slack.
MICKEY
Everyone always starts off slow. She’ll get into her groove.
NATALIE
Oh, suck it up, Clarissa is a horrible waitress.
Just as NATALIE says this, CLARISSA enters the office.
CLARISSA
(crying) I am trying my best. I’m only human. I’m not in the shape I use to be, but I’m doing my best.
MICKEY
Natalie! Now, look at what you’ve done.
MICKEY goes over and hugs, CLARISSA.
MICKEY
Shame on you.
NATALIE
How did you sneak up on me?!
MICKEY
Stop it, Natalie, just leave. Haven’t you done enough?
NATALIE grunts and leaves the office.
MICKEY
It’s alright, Clarissa, don’t cry. She doesn’t understand what it’s like. I understand.
CLARISSA
How?
MICKEY
Well—
CLARISSA
Are you disabled, too?
MICKEY
No, no. Not exactly. I just… I just do. I feel as though we are kindred spirits you and I. I feel a bond. Don’t you feel it, Clarissa?
CLARISSA
I don’t feel anything, sir. All my nerves are dead.
MICKEY
Oh, right. Well, I feel it, Clarissa. I feel it. And, I’ll feel it for both of us, okay?
CLARISSA
Okay.
MICKEY
Right.
INT. BREAK TABLE. NATALIE and BRANDY are taking a break.
BRANDY
The little tramp.
NATALIE
Yeah.
BRANDY
I mean she is just stupid.
NATALIE
Yeah.
BRANDY
She’s so stupid that I can’t even… she’s rude! She’s rude! She has no respect, she just bosses you around from that mobile throne of hers. I just, I… I just can’t… Argh, it’s sickening! I just—oh, I can’t stand it!
NATALIE
Okay…
BRANDY
That stupid… stupid… I wanna say so many things, but it would be so wrong. (beat) I wanna break it. I wanna break that little, electrical vocalizer thingy. I just wanna break it off and shove it down her throat! Then, I wanna tie her legs and arms in a knott! Then, just laugh. Just sit back and look at her and then laugh. Just laugh my head off.
NATALIE
Can you stop, please? You’re scaring me.
BRANDY
That little… that… stupid tramp! ARHGH! I’m saying it. I’m gonna say it. I am gonna say it. She’s retarded. She’s a retard. She, is a retard.
NATALIE
Oh, stop it. She’s not a retard and she’s not a tramp either. Take it easy.
BRANDY
You don’t have to work with her like I have to work with her. And, oh, do I work with her. No, wait, correction! FOR HER. I work for her. She tells me what to do and it just… it just… it’s too much. I can’t take it. (beat) Tramp.
NATALIE
We have got to get her fired. (beat) Okay, I have no clue how to get a disabled person fired. How does that work, exactly?
BRANDY
It doesn’t. You don’t. They just leave of their own free will.
NATALIE
Well, then that’s it. We’ll just annoy her so much that she’ll want to leave.
BRANDY
Yeah, right! She loves it here.
NATALIE
Why?
BRANDY
Because she does nothing and gets paid for it! Plus, there’s no threat of being fired. There’s no downside. Where else is she gonna find that?
NATALIE
It’s like… it’s like she’s management.
BRANDY
Oh, that’s sick. That is a sick thought. Shame on you for putting it in my head.
NATALIE
Sorry, that was bad.
BRANDY
Its okay, I’ll forgive you tomorrow.
NATALIE
There has to be something, though. Everybody has their limit. Everybody has their buttons. We just gotta find ‘em and push ‘em like crazy.
BRANDY
Yeah, well, mine are broken.
INT. WAITRESS STATION. NATALIE walks up to CLARISSA.
NATALIE
So, Clarissa… what do you hate most in life?
CLARISSA
(without hesitation) Lesbians.
RIDICULOUSLY LONG AND AWKWARD PAUSE. NATALIE bats her eyes during this, CLARISSA sits silent.
NATALIE
So… what else do you dislike?
INT. BREAK TABLE. BRANDY and NATALIE are conspiring.
NATALIE
Crock pots and track meets and/or marathons.
BRANDY
That’s it? That’s nothing. How do you work with that?
NATALIE
Well, there’s one more thing. The big one. The one thing she hates most.
BRANDY
Come on, out with it.
NATALIE
Don’t—don’t say that.
BRANDY
Okay? What is it?
NATALIE
Lesbians.
BRANDY
Lesbians?!
NATALIE
Lesbians.
BRANDY
Lesbians?
NATALIE
Lesbians.
BRANDY
Lesbians.
NATALIE
(sighs) Lesbians.
AWKWARD PAUSE. BRANDY and NATALIE both take sips of their sodas.
BRANDY
(long sigh) Lesbians.
INT. COUNTER. BRANDY comes in the front doors with a gift, wrapped and everything.
BRANDY
Good morning, Clarissa! It’s a beautiful McDay, isn’t it Clarissa? (giggles) This sun is just shining and it’s just so beautiful, wouldn’t you say Clarissa?
CLARISSA
The sun irritates my skin.
SLIGHT AWKWARDNESS.
BRANDY
Well, that’s jus too bad, ain’t it? I gotta surprise for you!
Sets the gift on her tray.
BRANDY
Go on, open it!
CLARISSA
Idiot.
BRANDY
Oh, yeah, my bad! (giggles, the grabs gift) Let me get that for ya! (opens gift, it’s a crock pot) Ooh! A crock pot! I just love crock pots! And it’s all yours, Clarissa! From me to you! It sure is great having you here, Clarissa!
CLARISSA
Keep it.
CLARISSA turns around and drives away. BRANDY is annoyed.
INT. KITCHEN. NATALIE comes running in sweat, running shoes, running clothes, etc. NATALIE runs in place through majority of this scene.
NATALIE
Hey-ya, Clarissa!
CLARISSA
I hate you.
NATALIE
I’m getting ready to go run the marathon. Well, sorta, ya know to help find a cure for cancer! I’m pumped!
During the following speech NATALIE’S face will slowly be overtaken with joyous glee.
CLARISSA
Why can’t they have a marathon for people like me? It irritates me to no end. I am so angry. I want to kill someone. You make me sick. I hate you. I hate all people like you. It vexes me.
CLOSE-UP of NATALIE’S face. The “Hallelujah” song begins to play.
NATALIE VOICE OVER
There is a god.
CLARISSA OFF-SCREEN
Oh, well.
MUSIC scratches and halts, NATALIE loses her concentration.
NATALIE
Huh?
CUT to WIDE of the TWO.
CLARISSA
Win some. Lose some.
CLARISSA drives off. NATALIE is let down.
EXT. BRANDY AND NATALIE’S APARTMENT—NIGHT.
NATALIE VO
She’s so passive.
INT. BRANDY AND NATALIE’S LIVING ROOM.
NATALIE
It makes me sick.
BRANDY
Stupid tramp!
NATALIE
Knock it off.
BRANDY
Sorry.
PAUSE.
NATALIE
So… you with me on this or not?
BRANDY
(sighs) I guess.
NATALIE
You guess?
BRANDY
Has it come to this?
NATALIE
Yes, it has come to this.
PAUSE.
BRANDY
(sighs) Retard.
NATALIE
Brandy—
BRANDY
Sorry.
INT. WAITRESS STATION—NEXT MORNING. NATALIE and BRANDY walk up to CLARISSA.
BRANDY
Morning, Clarissa.
CLARISSA
Your mom sucks.
NATALIE
So, have we told you?
CLARISSA
Told me what?
NATALIE turns and looks at BRANDY who then turns and looks at her. BRANDY looks absolutely disgusted, NATALIE looks absolutely scared. NATALIE reaches her arm around BRANDY’S shoulder, BRANDY looks away in disgust, she then slowly puts her arm around NATALIE’S side and pulls her a little bit closer, BUT they do NOT touch. THEY BOTH turn and look to CLARISSA. NATALIE starts convulsing.
NATALIE
We’re lesbians. (gasps, in a dry heave sounding way)
CLARISSA
You lie.
BRANDY
Nope. We’re lovers… aren’t we… honey?
NATALIE gasps again and shivers.
NATALIE
Yeah, sure are… babe. (shivers)
CLARISSA
I don’t believe you. Prove it.
BRANDY
What?
CLARISSA
Prove it.
NATALIE and BRANDY slowly turn and look at each other.
BOTH
Prove it?
CLARISSA
Kiss.
CUT to CLOSE-UP of CLARISSA, in white letters it says “30 SECONDS LATER”.
CLARISSA
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick. I quit. I can’t work with lesbians. Nasty. Sick. Shame on you.
CLARISSA starts to driving OFF-CAMERA, but then stops and comes back.
CLARISSA
No. I think I’ll stay I like it here. Even if there are lesbians.
CLARISSA then continues to drive off again. CUT to a wide shot of NATALIE and BRANDY. BRANDY is at the sinks washing out her mouth. NATALIE stares at CLARISSA as she has driven OFF-CAMERA. She is in awe and shock.
NATALIE
She’s casual, she’s cruel. She’s casually cruel. And what’s worse, I don’t think she even knows.
BRANDY grunts and moans as she scrubs and spits. NATALIE walks off to the DRIVER’S WASH AREA. She walks up to her first sink which is full of soapy, hot water. She dips her head in and moves it around splashing water everywhere. Then, she pulls her head out, walks to the middle sink and rinses. Then, she goes to the last sink and sanitizes. She does all of this with a deadpan look on her face.
INT. DINNING ROOM. CLOSE-UP of CLARISSA.
CLARISSA
And then he said, “I feel it, Clarissa. I feel it. And, I’ll feel it for both of us, okay?”
CUT to a WIDE-SHOT, the CAMERA positioned behind CLARISSA, she speaks to a booth full of COPS. THE COPS are all staring at her in disbelief of what they just heard.
CLARISSA
What? Why are you staring at me like that? That is what he said.
INT. RESTAURANT—MORNING. MICKEY comes in wearing a suit and walks to the BREAK TABLE. NATALIE and BRANDY are sitting at the table.
NATALIE
So, how did it go?
MICKEY
She was an entirely different person. You know you think you get to know someone, then this! She was rude, cruel—
BRANDY
Casual?
MICKEY
Very casual. (sighs) What a tramp.
NATALIE AND BRANDY
Amen. (clanking sodas)
MICKEY
Well, now I’ll be paying her way for the rest of my life. She’ll never have to work a day again in her life, that’s for sure.
NATALIE and BRANDY glare at MICEKY.
MICKEY
What?
NATALIE
Never mind.
MICKEY
Well, I gotta put out the old ad.
BRANDY
What?
MICKEY
Gotta meet my quota.
THE END. END CREDITS. “STAY WITH ME” by FACES plays during credits, starting here: “So, in the morning please don’t say you love me. ‘Cuz you know I’ll only kick you out the door.”
