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Drew Johnston
By Nathan Weaver
By Nathan Weaver
(EVA is talking about how she adores, sort of, Drew Johnston who just happens to be the high school star quarterback)
EVA: Let me tell you a little about Drew Johnston. He’s the star quarterback for our team, the BlackHawks—though, I think it should be the African-AmericanHawks, but no one ever listens to me. He’s also like the best looking guy at our school, which isn’t much because we’re pretty small. We only have 20 seniors this year, and I’m just guessing that only six of those will actually graduate. Right on, Marion High School, you rock my socks off. WHOOT! Seriously, though, back to Drew Johnston—the hottest dude in school. He’s built just right—not too big, not too small. Blond hair, perfect bone structure—yes, I do notice those things. But the kicker, no not the field goal kicker—the irony of the situation—is that he’s dumber than a bouquet of #2 pencils. Maybe it’s steroids. Maybe he’s popping or drinking things or whatever you do with that stuff. You have to picture this guy in his natural habitat… let me see if I can conjure up his aroma of personality and lack of charisma. (starts sitting like a dude, sniffs, rubs with her wrist and speaks in a deep, manly voice) “Hey, I’m Drew Johnston, I play football. I’m the starting quarterback, baby. That’s right. I work out five days a week and its all upper body, baby. Yeah, I know, most people would have to work out their upper body every other day for it to do any good—but not me, baby. I’m cool like that, tell your friends. What’s that? I’m making an F in Geometry? Suck. Whatever, dude, it doesn’t bother me—I’ve already got my football scholarship. I’m set for college, I’m ready for the booze—not that I haven’t been underage drinking, because I have. Like every weekend. I got connections, baby. That’s right. Oh, how can I be drinking and still be on the football team, you ask? I borrow urine from some nerd every time they go to test, baby. And my dad’s on the school board. That’s right. Superintendent. Right on. Oh, I got connections, baby. You wanna a drug, baby? Name it, it’s yours. (snaps fingers) Like that. You wanna get it on, baby? I always have a condom—ultra big. That’s right. And you know how they tell you that condoms aren’t safe in those STD assemblies with the dirty pictures? Pfst… bologna. I got it covered. That’s right. I’m FDA Approved, baby. Wanna take it to the Power House? Wanna ride the Freak Train? All aboard, baby. That’s right, I’m a caboose. Huh, what’s that? Drew Johnston has an STD? Huh? Unheard of, baby. I’m like that movie with Sean Connery and Kevin Costner—untouchable. That’s right. I’ve been in a threesome before, and let me tell ya… I got an A+ on that project, baby. Right on. Huh, what’s that? Drew Johnston is gay? Huh? Doesn’t compute, baby. When it comes to gays, I’m like Arnold Schwarzenegger… I’m The Terminator. Unless their lesbian in which case I’m like Robert De Niro in that Wesley Snipes movie… I’m a fan. Right on. Are you a lesbian, baby? Maybe it’s because you’ve never been with a real man… I’m here to educate, baby. I’m all about education. That’s right. I’m like what president Obama is to the economy when it comes to education… stimulating. Oh, you’ve had enough of me, huh? I have that effect on people. Maybe someday I’ll meet my match, but I doubt it.” (sighs, and undoes her manliness) It’s like God used up all the resources on his looks and had nothing left over for the brain. Idiot. Drew Johnston cannot reproduce.
EVA: Let me tell you a little about Drew Johnston. He’s the star quarterback for our team, the BlackHawks—though, I think it should be the African-AmericanHawks, but no one ever listens to me. He’s also like the best looking guy at our school, which isn’t much because we’re pretty small. We only have 20 seniors this year, and I’m just guessing that only six of those will actually graduate. Right on, Marion High School, you rock my socks off. WHOOT! Seriously, though, back to Drew Johnston—the hottest dude in school. He’s built just right—not too big, not too small. Blond hair, perfect bone structure—yes, I do notice those things. But the kicker, no not the field goal kicker—the irony of the situation—is that he’s dumber than a bouquet of #2 pencils. Maybe it’s steroids. Maybe he’s popping or drinking things or whatever you do with that stuff. You have to picture this guy in his natural habitat… let me see if I can conjure up his aroma of personality and lack of charisma. (starts sitting like a dude, sniffs, rubs with her wrist and speaks in a deep, manly voice) “Hey, I’m Drew Johnston, I play football. I’m the starting quarterback, baby. That’s right. I work out five days a week and its all upper body, baby. Yeah, I know, most people would have to work out their upper body every other day for it to do any good—but not me, baby. I’m cool like that, tell your friends. What’s that? I’m making an F in Geometry? Suck. Whatever, dude, it doesn’t bother me—I’ve already got my football scholarship. I’m set for college, I’m ready for the booze—not that I haven’t been underage drinking, because I have. Like every weekend. I got connections, baby. That’s right. Oh, how can I be drinking and still be on the football team, you ask? I borrow urine from some nerd every time they go to test, baby. And my dad’s on the school board. That’s right. Superintendent. Right on. Oh, I got connections, baby. You wanna a drug, baby? Name it, it’s yours. (snaps fingers) Like that. You wanna get it on, baby? I always have a condom—ultra big. That’s right. And you know how they tell you that condoms aren’t safe in those STD assemblies with the dirty pictures? Pfst… bologna. I got it covered. That’s right. I’m FDA Approved, baby. Wanna take it to the Power House? Wanna ride the Freak Train? All aboard, baby. That’s right, I’m a caboose. Huh, what’s that? Drew Johnston has an STD? Huh? Unheard of, baby. I’m like that movie with Sean Connery and Kevin Costner—untouchable. That’s right. I’ve been in a threesome before, and let me tell ya… I got an A+ on that project, baby. Right on. Huh, what’s that? Drew Johnston is gay? Huh? Doesn’t compute, baby. When it comes to gays, I’m like Arnold Schwarzenegger… I’m The Terminator. Unless their lesbian in which case I’m like Robert De Niro in that Wesley Snipes movie… I’m a fan. Right on. Are you a lesbian, baby? Maybe it’s because you’ve never been with a real man… I’m here to educate, baby. I’m all about education. That’s right. I’m like what president Obama is to the economy when it comes to education… stimulating. Oh, you’ve had enough of me, huh? I have that effect on people. Maybe someday I’ll meet my match, but I doubt it.” (sighs, and undoes her manliness) It’s like God used up all the resources on his looks and had nothing left over for the brain. Idiot. Drew Johnston cannot reproduce.
PS--If you desire to use this in an audition, just let me know before you do and let me know how it was received. Thanks.
