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Going to College - Audition Monologue

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1Going to College - Audition Monologue Empty Going to College - Audition Monologue Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:57 pm

OnyxDragon

OnyxDragon

Going to College
By Nathan Weaver


(As the subject says, this is intended as an audition monologue. EVA is an 18 year-old high school student and is sitting at the breakfast table, she rises to make an announcement to her parents. This is comedy and very sarcastic)


EVA: Mom, Dad. I know there's been a lot of concern lately about my rebellious behavior and lack of concern for the future and general lackadaisical attitude about... everything. Well, I've been thinking about that... those. And, well... as we were sitting here over breakfast--cherry Poptarts again, Mom. You're the best. Anyway, I decided it was time to let you guys in the loop on my plans for... my life. (beat) I've decided that I'm going to college. Because apparently you're not worth a thing unless you have a secondary education. I love the USA. But don't get too excited, just yet. Let me explain my goals for the future. I've laid it all out nice and neat. And I plan to meet these goals and finish off my life with the last items of my list. That said... I will go to college and spend most of my time boozing, slutting around and doing various drugs--mostly whatever is popular at the time. And then, I'll get date raped while OFF the ring or pill--I'm not sure which yet--and then I'll get pregnant. Then, I'll drop out of school to raise my illegitimate son--yes, it will be a boy--and times will get hard and I'll marry a guy named Joe and move into a rundown trailer park. There, we'll raise and beat our son, Timothy. And then, after years of abuse, I'll leave Joe and check into a shelter. I'll probably try to mend things with Joe at least twice, maybe three times, and then eventually I'll get a divorce and remarry a dude named Jeff. He's okay... except he's like 20 years my senior, which will probably irk the both of you to no end. THEN, Timothy will die in a tragic car accident where the Turner Overpass meets the South 435. After that, my marriage with Jeff will slowly deteriorate--especially after I find out he was the one who date raped me in college. If I'm lucky, I will then die young--maybe in my late 30s, early 40s--and then the two of you will fight Jeff over the custody of Timothy, who will be about 13 at the time. The custody battle will ruin his outlook on life and he'll probably get into drugs by 15, I figure. But, hey, at least you'll win the custody battle--though, all your hard work with Timothy will accomplish nothing. He'll overdose by 19, I'm guessing. (beat) I guess what I'm trying to say is--SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE. It's my life and I'll do with it what I want! (turns to leave) Oh, um... (turns back) can I borrow the car tonight? I'm going to give away my virginity to Drew Johnston, a decision I will regret the rest of my life. (listens to response) OH, you would. You guys are soo mature! I'm leaving, this place is retarded!


END SCENE



PS--If you desire to use this in an audition, just let me know before you do and let me know how it was received. Thanks.

https://www.youtube.com/onyxdragonlair

Chicago Jake

Chicago Jake

As I read this, I kept hearing it in a Mila Kunis voice. Funny stuff. Droll, but funny......Jake

OnyxDragon

OnyxDragon

Haha... Meg Griffin. That made my night. Shocked

https://www.youtube.com/onyxdragonlair

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